Well hello lovely individuals, it has been quite the while since I have shared any personal experiences or thoughts on here.
So welcome back to the internal ramblings of my brain.
When we hear or see the word recovery there are many initial thoughts that are ingrained in us from our personal experiences in life. I wish to focus briefly on the definition of recovery before we discuss further.
- A return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength.
- The action or process of regaining possession or control of something stolen or lost.
Late Middle English (denoting a means of restoration): from Anglo-Norman French recoverie, from recovrer ‘get back’.
Restoring something to its intended form is hard when it was never originally in that state of existence. Instead of recovery, it becomes Reformation. The act of making an improvement, especially by changing a person’s behaviour or the structure of something.
However, both can go together when it comes to progressing as an individual.
I am still recovering from a condition called ‘people pleasing’
This is not often seen as a bad thing, and when we think of that title we often think of someone who is:
So now I’m sure lots of you are laughing about the fact I call myself one.
However, if you are or ever have been a people pleaser… not all of the things we do are motivated by our love for others (yes they are at times but this is not what I wish to discuss so much)
I wish to focus on the negative aspect of being a people pleaser which can be very harmful to an individual.
Because yes I enjoy doing things for others, and yes they make me feel good. But the other side is, I will still do things at the expense of my own happiness and sanity.
The thought that by me saying something could make another uncomfortable.
That needing something for my own sanity may not be understood by another.
An activity I wish to do is something another doesn’t.
Letting someone put the effort in to see me or spend time with me…
actually, if I’m not the person catering to the other person
(going to their chosen activity, commuting to see someone, watching their choice of movie, eating their chosen food etc etc etc)
and they are doing the thing I want to do when maybe they don’t enjoy it as much… I am completely overcome with so much anxiety, guilt, stress… and the mere thought that it might burden someone is enough to make me wish to disappear and cease to exist.
The fact that as I am typing with I am struggling to see because of how overwhelming that thought is the panic starts to set in as the tears flow freely at the distant idea. I would do anything to make being around me as an individual easier for anyone involved. By doing anything they wished to do even if it made me completely miserable. The fact they would even spend time around me became a miracle in my eyes.
Because I have over the years have found myself valuing others before myself, and finding a deeply ingrained feeling of guilt for simply existing. Becoming completely petrified of being ‘too much’ of anything. Scared of having an opinion or a voice that differs. Scared of the idea that being me may negatively ever impact another even over something completely insignificant.
The idea that anyone should compromise to do something for me was so sickening because I feel as though I am burdening them.
It wasn’t until I had leapt through hoops, crossed oceans, and done everything possible to try to keep others happy and I was completely miserable… because they didn’t value me and never would value me the same as I value them. That’s when I started to see an issue.
But then I started to blame myself. I found every fault I could. Every little thing I ‘did wrong’. I was completely controlled by guilt. I would think for hours about what I could’ve done ‘better’. How I should’ve sacrificed more, been more agreeable, been less needy, more patient, and an endless list of things. I saw myself as a problem in peoples lives and not as someone that could bring any kind of value.
It wasn’t until my mum said to me “you are not a problem. The problem is they didn’t value you how they should’ve”
I started praying to find some comfort around many different aspects of my life.
I stopped putting effort into relationships that weren’t balanced.
When I started honestly being blunt and trying to make sure that things weren’t one-sided I got called rude, ungrateful, selfish, and a mix of many other things.
I immediately started trying to meet others wants and needs with little regard to how it affected me. But I soon realised that if I started this again and didn’t demand respect I would never break this cycle I have felt stuck in.
Of feeling helpless and miserable whilst trying to make others lives or experience of me ‘easier’
I am recovering my self-worth, and my right to unapologetically exist in this word, my right to feel and be affected by others actions, and my freedom to demand respect.
I am valuable even though I don’t always see it. Even when I can find an endless list of ways to be better for others.
I am reforming myself and the way I interact with others.
I am demanding for people to respect me and I will not apologize for it (at least not in this post)
Part of me is so scared to ever let this be seen by anyone else, yet another part of me needs people to know I. am. done.
I will no longer place endless respect and value on people who will not show me that same courtesy.
I will no longer spend time on people who see doing the same for me as “too much” or “too hard” because it’s not.
I am taking back my own happiness and my own life and not letting how others view me dictate my life.
I deserve so much more than I’ve settled for. I have done it far too long.
I am sorry to myself for allowing you to find so many faults with yourself.
You are not perfect. But you deserve way better than how people have treated you.
No more jumping through hoops to please people who won’t take a step for me.
Because I value myself.
I value the gift that is the Life. My God sees me as more valuable than anyone can imagine… it’s time I surround myself with people who see the same.
disclaimer; most of this probably won’t make much sense. I cried trying to write it… more than I thought I would.